How do I define who I am? Who am I?
What is at the gooey center of Rachelness? If I were a journal
article, what would my abstract read? How do we define who we are and
have become without including and acknowledging the events and
obstacles in our lives we have both encountered with joy and battles
in which we have survived defeat? We cannot. We are the sum of our
life experiences, that’s why each of us unique, a blessing to this
earth, and we should love one another enough to listen and comprehend
our neighbor’s journey to whom they have become. I am one of a
kind, there will never be anyone like me, and how many never fully
comprehend their loss by never sharing me in their life? Too many to
count. Life is beautiful, the end product of just breathing, and if
you are blessed enough… feeling completely loved by others. Each
person has a treasure chest of secrets, not dirty secrets, but
secrets which reveal whom we are at the core. However, we are
reluctant to share our cores with others, because this is where our
vulnerability lies. It takes great courage to fully embrace whom we
are, whom we are becoming, loving whom we are, what we value, whom we
love, how we have hurt, but still brave enough to peel back our
layers of armor we have built upon our hearts to expose the oasis of
everything beautiful about being human and life.
I cannot separate the painful scars on
my heart and soul I have accumulated in my 31yrs, but why would I? I
am absolutely marvelous and original, frankly more fearless than ever
and so very alive in tune with my femininity, at peace with humanity
and bursting with vibrant love and energy. Pain and loss complete our
character, chiseling our soul and hearts. Have I suffered unthinkable
pain and strife? Have I cried when I wanted to be stronger than
vulnerable? Have I hurt so bad I thought I would die? You bet! For I
have learned the difficult way that for every loss we encounter in
life, we are given a new key to our inner sanctum; if we are brave
enough… we will unlock this new door to whom we are becoming. Life
isn’t fair… Ain’t that the understatement of all time! No life
is nothing but fair, nor is life beautiful all the time…. Life is
often ugly, and if we are wise we will remember that when life is
great for us, it’s a hardship for someone else in this ride called
life.
Loss…. It comes in all shapes, sizes,
forms and degrees. Loss tears us down, crushes our core of love and
hope to bare bones. Pain brings us to our knees extending our hands
out for help as most others glance and pass by, only focused on
themselves. Loss removes all the fancy packaging of who we really are
at our core, exposing all our vulnerabilities to ourselves and those
in our inner circle. Loss is often mistaken for weakness or defeat.
Nothing could be more far from the truth! Loss is strength building
in action. Loss is character building, value instilling, love forming
experience we should embrace, not resent. First, when we encounter
loss, we feel cheated, a void short-changed, if you will. However, I
have learned that loss is actually the key to exponential gain. Loss
stirs us to become better versions of ourselves, challenging us to
use our scars, our pain, our experiences to make us better friends,
citizens, lovers, parents, people. Loss teaches us lessons nothing
else can; it chisels us into one of a kind people. People who are not
like anyone else, and together we have so much to share and learn
from one another, if we’d only let loss carve our hearts and deepen
our capacity and imagination for authentic empathic understanding and
love.
I am 31, Mom always said I was born 30, and I guess in many ways she was right. I am pretty mature, sensitive, and level-headed. My losses include many, many most have yet to experience, esp. my peers. What have I lost? My innocence at 6, some bullying and feeling left out, broken heart, betrayal, foreclosure, resignation of a normal life due to Narcolepsy with Cataplexy, Sleep Paralysis and Hypnagogic Hallucinations plus Fibromyalgia and Rheumatoid Arthritis, Spousal abandonment and infidelity, divorces, loss of loved ones, several other health battles, etc. The consequences of these loses have combined in my life to this point in time customizing me into the fine unique specimen of feminine humanity I am today, and though the pain and the bleeding and tears I have shed have hurt like a razor so deep into my heart and soul, I would not change a thing. This is who I am, whom I am meant to be, so I can best serve God, love and understand others, and above all help and love others. I have so much love to give at the core of my soul. I actually feel its warmth radiating from within my chest outward, and I would never want to change whom I have become. I am a wonderful person, a phenomenally beautiful woman inside and out, my inner strength resolute; I feel I can face anything, because I have already faced what most emphatically fear. I will not accept defeat, defeat is not who I am…. I am and will always be victorious because that is the woman of courage and strength I have become.
